I love how Tumblr teaches us how to be perfect criminals.
Also, if you’re burying a full body, make sure you bury them vertically. Satellites orbiting earth look for holes that are approx. 6ft long because that’s suspicious. Ideally though, drain your body of fluids in a tub ((mix fluids with bleach and let them soak before draining and take precautions to keep your house from smelling like death from your sink and whatnot. Draining the body also keeps decomp at bay a bit and makes it easier to portion)) and cut it to bits. It’s easier to bury a head than a whole body, and takes less time so you don’t have to tell your neighbors, “Oh, I’m night gardening!”
Also, if a dog happens across it, it’s more likely it will devour a single body part than all of your ex-husband.
Another method is to put it into a septic tank. They’re a plethora of bacteria, and the smell of waste covers the smell of decomposition very well.
You should also destroy all teeth, massacre the face and burn fingerprints/remove finger tips to keep from identifying by anything other than DNA.
…I didn’t come up with these ideas, just what I’ve gleaned from reading on the internet.
i used to joke about Tumblr teaching us how to get away with murder, but fuck, man
the thing is when i see this i want to go kill a man just because i have the knowledge
Remember when you’re at the crime scene to wipe down all surfaces and then take the victims hands and touch things with them. Pick up cups and run the hands along table tops. A room with zero fingerprints is very suspicious.
If you live near the ocean you can drain the body and cut up the cadaver into small pieces then mix it all together with fish parts and dispose of it easily by pretending to chum the water for fish and sharks. Actually do chum the water a bit before dumping in your victim to be sure there are plenty of hungry fish around. Stick around and fish for a while so anyone who happens to see you won’t get suspicious. This way you don’t have any body parts lying around waiting to be dug up and identified. Plus you might catch a marlin or something.
PLUS YOU MIGHT CATCH A MARLIN
Jesus fucking christ Tumblr
This is great. But ya’ll forgot to make sure there’s nothing with your name in the trash that you dump yah body parts in.
If you can get your hands on some sodium hydroxide (e.g. from like a soap supply store, remember pay cash and use a fake name etc) this will totally screw the dna analysis from the blood if you spray the shit everywhere you wont even have to clean the blood at the scene up
AND, in prep the unlikely situation (if you didn’t follow these instructions correctly) your body is found, make sure you remove the mandible from the head and deposit it else where. Preferably a couple of miles (way over twenty I suggest) from where you hid the original body.
The mandible is used in facial reconstruction a lot and without the mandible they cannot collect a clear picture of what your victim looked like. This was they cannot use missing persons as easily and if they do it would take them even longer. More than likely without the mandible, a massacred face, no teeth and burnt of fingertips you should be looking at your victim being a John Doe. For a very long time.
Oh and in case it hadn’t already occurred to you, buy a weapon to do the deed. Not an unusual weapon, not using a credit card, not in a main department store (preferably). I suggest everyday kitchen utensils or gardening equipment that would be common in most household homes. Look online and do some reason, the more popular a product the more you should use it. That way they can’t exactly look back at the sales records.
And don’t keep that weapon in the house or anyway near your residence. Don’t even bury it with the main body. I’d bury it with the mandible myself. Make sure you leave no finger prints, wear gloves etc. This isn’t exactly rocket science so you should understand it quite easily.
I WASN’T PREPARED FOR THIS
If you happen to have a corpse lying around, and you’re worried about the smell (and it isn’t safe to move them) buy a cat. This gives you an excuse to buy cat litter (generic brand, use cash, watch out for security cameras) - dump the corpse in the bath and cover it with cat litter. The smell will be absorbed. If you already own a cat, you’re sorted.
If you want a sneaky place to get rid of a body and have some time on your hands, see if there’s any contaminated sites near you with low pH drainage water (check environmental websites). Rid the body of finger prints, face, teeth (and mandible if you want - excellent idea), and anything metal they have. Chop the body into manageable pieces and dump a few bits at different remote sites (you might want to weigh them down with rocks). These waters can dissolve cars - a body will be no problem. It’ll also destroy any evidence you leave behind (apart from metal - watch out for that). Casually scatter any metal items they own or metal evidence into the ocean or down a public toilet. Remember to wear gloves, and clean your clothes, shoes and car thoroughly afterwards. Better yet, burn your clothes and send your car to get serviced (as long as there’s no blood). Also, send the car through a car wash and make sure there’s no dirt in your wheels to link you to any dump sites.
If you have a murder weapon that’s otherwise a generic household tool, and you want to get rid of it after cleaning it, find an area without cameras and leave it there. It’ll more than likely get pinched. No longer your problem.